Before All Is Lost
by CeceVolume
Summary: A spin-off on 'A Christmas Carol'. Elena explores her relationships, past present and future, and must change her future before it destroys everything she holds dear. Written for LJ author to author exchange.


_This is for _morvamp_ over on LiveJournal as part of TVDMixing's Delena Holiday Exchange! I hope I fulfilled your prompt in a way you'll like. __  
This is set before 4x08._

_Prompt:_ I want a spin off of A Christmas Carol.  
Jenna visits Elena Christmas night. From there, the two depart on a supernatural adventure where Elena revisits her past relationship with Matt, present relationship with Stefan, and discovers who awaits in her future (Damon).  
This can be rated T or M, whichever you prefer, but I'd really like to see the differences in each of the relationship pointed out as Elena comes to terms with who she was, thinks she is now, and who she's meant to be.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Vampire Diaries.

A Time Of Giving

Tossing and turning in her bed, Elena tried to force herself to go to sleep, to forget all about everything that was going on.

It was harder to do as a vampire than it ever had been as a human.

The break up with Stefan had been hard enough without the Christmas season coming around. For the first time in her life, she was completely alone on Christmas. Just her and Jeremy. With Jenna and Alaric gone, she felt like the world was falling apart around her and she knew better than to go to her brother with these problems.

She was the reason _he_ was alone, after all.

If she had just told Matt her feelings when they'd been dating, none of this would have happened. If she had stayed away from Stefan, they wouldn't have lost even more people in their lives. It was all her fault for not leaving well enough alone, for always having to reach for something more. If she hadn't kept reaching, maybe both her and her brother would be happy at long last. Maybe they wouldn't have lost so much in such a short time.

Wishing silently to herself that someone would come and take it all away—all the guilt, all the indecision—the doppelganger stared up at the ceiling of her room, counting the little dots that made it up. Of course, it was almost like trying to count the stars in the sky and it wasn't doing anything to help her insomnia.

"Elena?"

Her name being said in such a familiar voice had the baby vampire flinging upright in bed, her head twisting this way and that. "Jenna?" she murmured, tears coming to her eyes at the thought of seeing the aunt that had quickly become her best friend. "Is that you?"

Maybe now she could see and hear ghosts like Jeremy? She had died and been brought back; wasn't that the criteria?

"Elena, I'm here to show you something."

Suddenly, Elena felt a weight on the other side of the bed, making her head turn that way. But she couldn't see her aunt, couldn't make out a shape other than the pressure on the bed. She had no doubt that Jenna was sitting next to her, but apparently she wasn't as paranormally inclined as Jeremy.

What a laugh.

She felt two small, feminine hands take her own, squeezing them, and she couldn't hold back the words any longer. "Jenna, I'm so sorry," she choked, tears forming a lump in her throat. "This is all my fault; it's my fault that you're gone, that Jeremy's alone. If I had just—"

A slow shush sounded from her invisible aunt as Elena felt a finger press to her lips to quiet her. "It's okay," the ghost murmured, hand moving from the girl's mouth to stroke her hair. "Hindsight will always be twenty-twenty. I thought I knew what was best, but now I know how wrong I was." There was a small stretch of silence before Jenna spoke again. "I want you to see what you have to be grateful for, what you have to look back on with a laugh. You're far too young to regret so much."

Light as a wisp of smoke, Jenna's fingers touched Elena's forehead, the girl immediately feeling the affects of drowsiness overcoming her. Before she could ask what her aunt meant, she was falling away to dreams, landing on her pillow as her mind followed after the ghost.

-.-.-.-.-

Elena opened her eyes, a little disconcerted by the scene before her. She was watching…herself. In a cheerleading uniform, on Matt's arm. Recognizing her former self, she watched as she smiled, laughed, but the emotions behind them never reached her eyes.

She could see that she was bored, that something about the picture wasn't right. She had known back then that Matt hadn't been a forever kind of love, not with her. But she'd clung to the innocence, the familiarity, like a vise.

"Do you see that?"

Spinning her head towards the sound, Elena was shocked that she could now see Jenna. She looked exactly the same as she remembered, her honey-gold hair shining in the sun, her eyes twinkling with just the right amount of mischief.

It was all she could do not to blindly hug her.

Elena turned her attention back to herself, watching as she gently disengaged herself from his hold to go join her friends at cheerleading practice. For the first time, she saw the sadness that came over Matt's features before he quickly covered it with a smile as Tyler's hand clapped down on his shoulder.

Had she hurt him? Had he known what was coming even before it had? It made sense that he would try to save the relationship, explained why he'd tried to get closer and closer even as she pushed further and further away.

"You two were…adorable. The perfect high school romance," Jenna murmured as Elena's past self swept past them, Bonnie and Caroline linking arms with her. "When you two first started dating, everything seemed right in the world."

Elena spun towards her aunt with wide eyes. How had Jenna known that? She hadn't moved back to Mystic Falls until after Elena had already started to have her doubts about Matt.

Turning a slow smile to her niece, Jenna said, "But you knew it wouldn't stay that way forever." She glanced back at the star quarterback, her eyes just a little sad. "He was the type of guy to settle down, make a family for himself. And your dreams were taking you elsewhere. Before you ever settled down to have a family, you would need to see the world, know what it had to offer." Giving a low chuckle, the ghost looked back at Elena. "You would always come back; we all knew that. But you needed to run free until you were ready."

"I…I could have waited to see the world," Elena murmured in response, turning her head from Jenna so she couldn't see the self-loathing. "I was just so impatient, wanting too much when I had everything to be thankful for."

Taking Elena's face in her hands, Jenna turned her attention away from guilt, away from worry. She locked gazes with the younger woman, a fierce light in her eyes. "There is nothing wrong with going after what you want. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Did you take some things for granted? Of course! We all do. But you deserve to have everything you want in life, Elena. Everyone does." Smiling a little at her niece's shocked face, Jenna put them forehead to forehead. "When things aren't right, you can't force them to be. Sometimes, you have to let things go."

The ghost dissipated then, leaving Elena shocked and wondering how the hell she was going to get out of this dreamworld without her.

Then she heard Matt's voice, a whisper among the many conversations on the school grounds.

"I just…man, I was going to give her a promise ring," he was saying to Tyler, who merely scoffed at the idea. Because that was how Tyler had been back then, Elena remembered. Before supernatural beings had taken over Mystic Falls. "But…I think it might be over between us. We want totally different things and…I can't ask her to give up what she wants just because I don't want to lose her."

Elena's breath halted in her chest, her eyes filling with tears. Of course Matt had known she was distancing herself; they had known each other their entire lives. And she had made that pretty clear by how she would blow him off with the lamest excuses.

But he had known her well enough that she hadn't had to tell him that it wasn't what she wanted. He still did. They could speak without words, could tell each other anything.

Because, despite what she'd put him through, they were still friends. Even after she had broken his heart, he had been there for her whenever she needed him. He'd looked after _her_ dreams in his own Matt way, wanting her to be happy with whatever happened in her life.

As a realization came over her, she felt herself beginning to disappear just as Jenna had. It felt like weight was lifting off her and she closed her eyes at the feeling.

Her last thought before a rush swept her away was that she had needed Matt to know when something was right for her.

-.-.-.-.-

The next time she opened her eyes, she felt Jenna's hand wrapped around hers tightly, giving her strength. They had landed on the lawn of the Salvatore Boarding House just after dusk, a full moon rising in the sky.

Seeing herself with Stefan mere feet away, she couldn't hold back the pain she felt at the memory. It had been the night of the sacrifice, when she would ask Stefan to close his eyes and let her go. Even though they knew what would happen, he had done as she'd asked, hadn't let anyone else fall victim to Klaus's evil plans for her.

They were crying, her hands tucked in his as they tried to prolong the inevitable. She would be leaving him, taken away by a monster, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

She hadn't been able to bear watching as his eyes tried to track her departure, still couldn't. Jenna gave a comforting squeeze around Elena's suddenly tightening fingers, reassuring her that everything would be all right.

"You and Stefan…we all knew you had an epic love. Knowing the full story, I know how much so, now," her aunt said lightly, though there was a choke in her voice too. "It seemed like you two were made for each other. You respected each other, loved each other, like there was no one else that mattered in the world."

Elena could barely hear Jenna as she stared at her former self, whispering to Stefan to close his eyes. Now, she could see Klaus grabbing her and whisking her off, remembering the emptiness that had followed soon thereafter. As if a piece of her had been ripped away.

"But the most epic of love stories are the most tragic, sometimes," Jenna murmured, though her voice didn't deter Elena's gaze. "When the timing isn't right the first time, it might never be again. Sadly, that's how the world we live in works."

A long silence passed between them as past-Elena was taken from Stefan's hold, his fingers lingering in the air as if he could get just one more moment with her. When his eyes blinked open, tears poured down his face, knowing that she wouldn't be the same when he saw her again.

Elena wondered if this had been the beginning of the end for them because, though she'd still been human after the sacrifice, she had definitely been different.

"I know you don't want to hear this, but you and Stefan could have worked. Would have worked if it had been different, if you had met at a better time," Jenna said suddenly, her voice strong even as Stefan cried out from the loss he was feeling. "But fate has plans for everyone and sometimes what we want and what we need aren't the same thing." A short laugh sounded as she started to fade away once again. "I can't believe how cliché I'm being tonight."

Spinning her head to where her aunt had only just stood, Elena cried, "No, please! I can't watch this, not alone! Please don't leave me!" She tried to grab onto anything that might anchor her aunt with her, tears blurring her vision as she started to sob.

She was alone, once again, listening as the man she loved shook and sobbed from what he was about to lose.

Forever.

God, why couldn't they have been happy together? Why couldn't Klaus have stayed out of their lives, not ruined them? She could have had time to choose whether she wanted to give up her human life, could have had time to release Stefan if she didn't choose to be a vampire. They could have had years together; instead, they weren't given any choices.

The world had turned away from them.

And that was just how the world worked.

That lightness came over Elena again as her tears slowed. Yes, the world worked the way it wanted to. Sometimes, what felt right didn't last. Sometimes, when fate seemed like it was working against you, it was really working for you.

Closing her eyes, she didn't forget her love for Stefan or even necessarily move on from it.

But she allowed herself to believe that fate would deliver her what she needed.

-.-.-.-.-

Once again, Elena opened her eyes to find her aunt standing next to her. There was no touching, no words, though. Instead, she found herself in the Salvatores' house, watching as her past-self and Damon sat in front of the fire.

She remembered that day. Damon had left her, only to come back when she needed him. He had saved her from the hospital, carrying her out even though she was nearly crazy with bloodloss.

Klaus had been dripping her dry, hoping to take as much as possible so he could continue creating his hybrids. Elena didn't know how Damon had gotten into the hospital to get her, but she was thankful that she had gotten out of there.

And it was all thanks to him.

"You know, I still don't like Damon," Jenna said, her voice filled with laughter though when Elena turned to look at her she saw tears dancing in her eyes. "But this…this meant a lot. Especially to your mom and dad."

Unable to do much else, Elena just nodded woodenly, looking back to the scene before her. Remembering how much hurt she had felt only for it to be lifted with six little words.

"I will _never_ leave you again."

For the longest time—even before Stefan ran off with Klaus—she had felt it was her against the world. Though her friends and loved ones would be there to support her, she couldn't expect that of them, not with the danger they would constantly be in. Besides, they had their own lives to live; she wouldn't have them losing out on that because the cosmos hated her.

But with those words, everything had changed. Damon loved her; she knew that. Yet he was willing to just be her friend, to back her up when she needed it. He was willing to give up everything if only to save her.

The loneliness had dimmed dramatically with that one statement from him.

She felt herself fading away, this time the same way Jenna was. How many more scenes would she have to relive? How many more could the ghosts throw at her for whatever reason they seemed to find necessary? She didn't want to watch herself betray all the ones she loved because of her own selfishness, her inability to decide. She wanted to be done, to forget all those things and move on.

"I won't be following after you anymore, Elena," Jenna whispered, already invisible to the young vampire's eyes. "The next things you see…they are yours to do with what you will. You'll see what he was feeling, just the same as you would see your own. Then you'll see the future that awaits you. You might not like it, but that's what it will be. Unless you change it."

"No, Jenna, please," Elena begged in response as they floated through darkness, unable to see each other. "I can't do this anymore. I can't watch this. I hurt him so badly; I hurt them all so badly. Please, just let me go home."

"You can't."

-.-.-.-.-

Elena's eyes burst open, her patience worn thin. She wanted out, she wanted it to stop. Couldn't they just give her that? After everything that had happened in the past two years, couldn't they just _leave her alone_?

But the wind blew, chilly against her skin, as if to say that she had to know what she was going to see. It spoke to her in a silent language, as if trying to comfort her.

Glancing over at the scene unfolding, Elena realized that it was the first time she'd met Damon, back when she'd been with Matt, trying to figure out what she wanted. They were talking, strangers in the night, though he had been desperate to find Katherine.

He was moving towards her, murmuring, "You want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure, and even a little danger…. I want you to get everything you're looking for. But, for right now, I want you to forget all this ever happened. Can't have people knowing I'm in town yet. Goodnight, Elena."

She stared in wonder as he simply disappeared into the night, leaving her former self blinking in confusion as she tried to remember what she was doing out there so late. She glanced at her phone, remembering only that she had called to ask her parents to pick her up.

But why had Damon done that? He hadn't exactly been Mr. Nice Guy back then. In fact, he'd been ready to kill her to get closer to Katherine. So why hadn't he done it then? Why had he told her all that stuff about passion and adventure only to walk away so easily?

Did he know what would someday happen between them? Or had she been misjudging him the entire time?

Suddenly, the scenery spun, morphing into a crowded frat party. She remembered this clearly, remembered how she had tricked a boy into following her so she could drink from him.

Damon had come after her, watching as she drank from the boy greedily. She watched the change on his face as he realized how much she was taking.

She could see the sudden fear in his face as he tried to call her back to reality, tried to remind her that she couldn't take too much. He had been pleased to teach her how to drink like a real vampire, but now he felt desperate to save her.

From herself.

When she threw her arms around him, tugging him close, Elena could see the look on his face. Shock passed over his features for the briefest moments before his arms wrapped tightly around her, his eyes sliding closed as a genuinely happy smile came to his lips.

It was enough, he'd decided, to get this time with her. He would treasure it forever, no matter what happened in the future. He would grab this brief moment of happiness with both hands and never let it go; it was all he deserved and he knew that well.

As everything began to swirl and reconfigure around her, Elena found herself standing in the middle of the Lockwood Forest. She wasn't a floating, non-descript being any longer; she was a part of the scene in front of her.

There was a circle created from fire, just like the one she'd been held in during Klaus's sacrifice, though she was on the outside this time. Professor Shane and Bonnie stood on the other, the witch's eyes completely black as she chanted something that made goosebumps cover Elena's flesh. When the doppelganger tried to move to her friend, she found herself bound to a post, the chains securing her hands behind it burning her skin. Vervain. They'd dipped them in vervain.

Frantically, she tried to free herself, but the ground shaking inside the ring of fire made her stop. "B-Bonnie? Bonnie, stop! You can't raise him! _Bonnie!_"

But her friend was too far gone to hear her cries and Elena was completely alone. No one stood by her side, helping her to release the bonds. Instead, there was a dirty, rotting being rising from the dirt in front of her, coming to its feet with unsteady, jerking motions.

As Bonnie continued to chant, the being turned towards Elena, watching her with a tilted head. She tried to draw in the breath to shriek, to scream at the terrifying visage before her, but she couldn't.

"Elena!"

Several voices called out her name, getting closer and closer. She could hear her friends' footfalls, heard hearts thundering as they raced to save her.

Suddenly, Stefan and Caroline were at her side, clawing at the shackles desperately. Damon and Tyler faced off with Bonnie, though she held them back easily without so much as looking at them; she simply raised her palm to block them.

Elena could hear Jeremy and Matt in the trees, though. She knew they were there, knew they were risking themselves to come to her rescue. Oh, God, she'd gotten them killed! They were exactly the kind of prey that Silas—how did she know what that thing was called?—would want after centuries buried beneath the ground. They needed to run.

But Silas lurched forward, the fire around him instantly parting as he moved with unnatural and ungraceful speed towards where they both hid. Elena cried out; she didn't know what she said, hardly even thought of it. Whatever came to mind slipped from her lips as she sobbed helplessly.

She wasn't released yet; Stefan and Caroline just needed a second more. But the humans didn't have that kind of time! She couldn't save them. She couldn't help them!

That was when she saw Damon break away from Bonnie, suddenly reappearing in front of the monster just released. Without a word, he grabbed Silas's shoulders, squeezing as tightly as he could until chunks of rotted flesh fell from the being.

Only to grow back, this time as supple skin.

Elena's eyes widened just as Damon's did and the metal released her hands. _He's going to kill Damon_. She knew that instantly, cried out and started to move, but she was too late.

Silas smiled through a rotted mouth as his hand stabbed into Damon's chest, squeezing his heart until it was about to burst. And yet, the vampire turned his eyes to Elena, mouthing the words, "Be happy," just before Silas completely destroyed the muscle working in his chest.

As her heart broke, she couldn't move, could do nothing more than watch the scene like it was a movie. Before Damon's graying body hit the ground, Silas had snapped Matt's neck, was moving on to Jeremy.

Then Caroline and Tyler.

Stefan.

When he turned on her, she didn't try to run away. Couldn't even if she wanted to. Instead, she closed her eyes even as his hand buried in her throat.

-.-.-.-.-

Elena awoke with a gasp, sitting upright in bed. She was back in her room, no aunt Jenna to keep her company. It was dark, but she could see the twinkling of Christmas lights throughout the neighborhood if she looked out her window.

Of course. It was still Christmas Eve, if the clock was to be believed. She was alone in her bedroom, having woken from a crazy, paranormal dream.

Reaching for her phone, she didn't bother thinking about it as she pressed on Damon's name. She listened to the phone ring, knowing that this was a turning point. This was the first page in a new chapter and she needed to see it through to the end.

She needed to let go of the past, live in the present, and give in to the future. She couldn't let this go on much longer, needed to tell him exactly what was going on. If she kept ignoring the signs, she would be giving up on a future that she wanted so badly she could taste.

_"Elena?"_ Damon's voice asked through the phone, making her jump a little.

This was it. The moment she had been waiting for.

"Damon?" she murmured, unable to keep the butterflies in her stomach from escaping in that one word, from bringing a watery smile to her face. "Can you come over? I need…I need to talk to you."

There was a long pause and she knew that this would tell her the future. This was the one thing that would tell her whether she was making the right choice or if she was simply afraid to be alone.

_"I'll be over in five."_

-.-.-.-.-

Damon had no idea why Elena would call him in the middle of the night. She had sounded shaken, unsteady. Had something happened? Maybe there was something wrong with her brother that she needed someone to help with. Maybe there was something wrong with _her_ that she needed someone to help with.

He knew that with the break-up, he would now be her first call. Not that it bothered him. But he knew that she didn't want it that way.

She wanted Stefan.

It was always going to be Stefan.

He was shocked when he got out of his car and found her already running towards him, arms wide, eyes…relieved? Jesus, what the hell had gotten into her?

"Damon!" she cried just before she threw herself at him. Luckily, he was ready to catch her, not that she had given him much warning. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she held him close, closer than ever before. His heart clenched and he brought his own arms around her loosely, trying to make sense of the broken jibberish being muttered into his chest.

Could she even breathe properly with her face so deep in his shirt?

Slowly, he pulled her far enough away for him to look down into her eyes, trying to read what was going on in her head. Yup, something was definitely wrong, had scared her. What the hell was in the house?

"Elena," he said calmly, though he was on high alert, waiting for something to happen, just as it always did, "you need to tell me what the hell is going on. Audibly this time; I need to understand what you're saying." _Because I'm about to start ripping heads off and I need to know whose to take._

"Damon, I…." She stopped then, self-consciously looking away. "I just had a bad dream. I…I shouldn't have called."

He blinked. A bad dream. _A bad dream?_ That was what had made her call him on Christmas Eve night? When she usually would have shaken it off and ignored it?

_This is big,_ a part of him whispered, but he pushed it aside to smirk down at her. His natural defense mechanism against doppelgangers with strangle holds on his heart.

"You wanted me to rock you back to sleep?" he murmured, stepping close once again, his lips lowering to just an inch above hers. "Or maybe you wanted me to exhaust you so you couldn't dream anymore?" _She'll shove me away, we'll talk, I'll find out what this dream is. We really are predictable._

But she didn't go with the usual pattern. Instead, her hands fisted in the material of his shirt and she went on her tiptoes, pulling him down just as she went up to meet his lips.

Elena was…kissing him. Her initiation with no real prompting from him, no teasing. _Must have been some dream_, he thought, just before he forgot everything but the way her mouth felt against his.

His hands went to her face, drawing her closer even as hers remained tight in his shirt, like she was afraid he would run. When his tongue swept against her lip for entrance, she gladly opened her mouth, allowing him inside. He couldn't help his groan as his hands moved down to her thighs, gripping them tightly and lifting her against him.

Her legs gripped his hips as he fell back against his car, leaning his head back to kiss her better. Because he needed more and, when she moaned, he knew she did too. He wanted to be so close to her that their bodies intertwined, that neither knew where one started and the other ended.

He wanted all of her.

She was grinding against him, moaning into his mouth as she felt him against her. If he'd dared, he would have taken her up to her room—or at least into the foyer. He would have thrown caution to the wind, damned the consequences and given her pleasure, at least until they had some privacy.

God, she felt so _good_ in his arms!

With her hands now buried in his hair, she murmured against his lips, "I love you, Damon. I love you."

The words made the breath leave his lungs, made him freeze against her. She lifted her head just enough to lean her forehead against his, her hair draping around them in a waterfall, giving them a least a modicum of privacy.

"I mean it," she breathed as he stared up at her in wonder. "I love you, have loved you for a long time. I'm sorry I hurt you over and over again but…you're the one, Damon. You're it."

He would have to ask her about this in the morning, would have to demand answers to the questions of what, when, where, why, and how.

But, as he tossed her in the car bent on taking her far away from anywhere they'd be overheard, he didn't care about those now.

What he cared about was that she loved him and wanted him. Even if just for now.


End file.
